MAN

Man! What happened to you? Where are you hiding? Come out! It is ok! You can be who you are and learn from your mistakes. You are human. You are a spiritual man in a natural body, built to serve the spirit man in you. Stand in the mirror, what do you see? Who do you see? Is he fine on the outside and ugly on the inside? Is he ugly on the outside and fine on the inside? Is he hiding behind a false strength to protect himself from society who says you are weak for being the real you? Or, is he hiding his strength to protect himself from being the man he was created to be for fear society may see HIM as weak? Are you strong and are afraid to show your weakness for fear that society may see you as a pushover, a girl, or weak? What are your fears?

Oh Man! Come out of that HIDING PLACE and learn to be hurt so you can be built up as a stronger man.
Oh Man! Come out of that hiding place and teach those men who talk about you how to stand as a MAN.
Oh Man! Come out of that hiding place and look to the sky and trust GOD to show you who you really are so you can be FREE.
Oh Man! Come out of that hiding place and walk with your head up high knowing you have overcome some CRAZY STUFF, and done some CRAZY STUFF in your life.
Oh Man! Come out of that hiding place and allow GOD to show you how to make your enemies your footstool.
Oh Man! Come out of that hiding place, YOU ARE RAISING YOUR LITTLE BOYS TO BE COWARDS AND YOUR LITTLE GIRLS TO DATE COWARDS.

Oh Man! Now that you have COME OUT of your hiding place, STAND UP STRAIGHT, FACE THE ENEMY OF SELF, FACE YOUR ENEMIES, let your TONGUE be yielded to GOD, to SPEAK to those FEARS.

Oh Man! Now that you have come out of your hiding place OPEN YOUR EYES and EARS to hear what GOD HAS TO SAY!

GOD: Man! Daddy is sorry, but his cowardness is telling you he doesn't care and telling you to man up when he can't himself. (Proverbs 23:7 - so as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he....)

GOD: Man! The world will disapprove of you, but I will not. (John 3:17 - God Did not send his son to condemn the world, but save it.)

GOD: Man! Mommy loved you, but she did not show it because she hid her abuse and took it out on you. (Proverbs 25:24 - It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman and in a wide house).

GOD: Man! Your heart is broken/shattered and your life appears to be unworthy. But I have a plan for you (Jeremiah 29:11 - For I have a plan for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future).

GOD: Man! I know that women have disappointed you and hammered your manhood. But, I have a virtuous woman waiting for you to choose her (Proverbs 31:10, a wife of noble character who cand find)?

GOD: Man! ARE YOU willing to follow me? (Matthew 4:19 - follow me and I will make you fishers of men).

GOD: Man! DO YOU believe you are the MAN that I breathed life into his nostrils and gave form? (Genesis 2:7 - The Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into the nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living soul).

GOD: Man! Suffer not the little BOY IN YOU TO COME OUT OF HIS HIDING PLACE. the world depends on the true man that he will become (Matthew 19:14 - Let the children come to me. Don't stop them from the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children).

GOD: Man! I am so proud of you! You have arrived at your healing process, your new LIFE!  (Matthew 3:17 - MY BELOVED SON IN WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED)!

The Heavy Weight of the World

Hey! What are you doing? Don't do that to yourself! Take two steps forward by faith! The first one is for yourself and the second for those who love you.

But I can't handle the weight on my chest and my back is now weak from carrying so much. How do I release? I talk about it and no one understands. They look at me funny and use my story to make fun of me.

My legs are too heavy to even attempt to move. My mind can't get past rotating the nasty things spoken to me. You say don't do that to myself? Then what am I to do with all the stuff that reshaped who I was? I just want to kill everything that I allowed to come inside of me. What better way to do it than to do it?

You see, the world has placed a burden on your body that was never designed for you or me. What you are feeling is definitely real and would be a great idea if we could do it that way and live. However, God has shown us a better way to die and resurrect.

We are already dead when we walk  think and speak as the world does. Our mind and heart become plagued with several diseases called hate [malice], deceit, illicit sex, and other evil behaviors. We feel alive but our bodies are corrupt.

So what you are feeling my friend is the weight of the world. You did not choose it but it chose you. It is breaking you down so as to force you to eat and digest the poison to become a product of it. If you are not strong enough to withstand it, you will become consumed by it and either become evil or do what you are about to do.

Wow! That's a heavily darkened way to imagine what I am going through. Am I crazy or mentally displaced? Am I weak or stupid because I desire to do this thing to myself?

No. It makes you human. It shows you were strong enough to recognize what caused the pain but lacked an understanding of how to get rid of it without harming yourself.

Well, how do I get rid of it a different way? It starts with a choice. Will you chose to believe the lies the world told you and showed you or do you believe you are a positive person? Do you believe you can make a difference within yourself and help others or do you see yourself as a pessimistic individual? Will you accept help where it is needed and allow yourself to dig deeper for the truth about you and this life?

I want to know how to kill this evil that sits in the seat of my emotions.

Great! Remember I told you God has shown us a better way to die and resurrect? "yes!" Well, by faith, you must believe the word that God was made flesh and it dwelt among us (John 1:14) That mean God (spirit) became human through the body of a virgin woman. His birth was a miracle unknown to mankind, as there was no physical intimacy. They called him Jesus Christ the son of God, EMMANUEL. Jesus came that you and I can have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10). Jesus took the weight of the world on and was lied on, beat, and spat on. He was considered a fraud; one who pretended to be the Messiah (the anointed one. King of the Jews). The only way you and I could live is if Jesus died. Our sins were imputed by the death of the son of God

LOVE LIKE CHRIST OR LOVE LIKE THE WORLD

LOVE LIKE CHRIST OR LOVE LIKE THE WORLD

God sent his Son thru a virgin woman, not conceived by a human man, to die for those who spitefully hated and persecuted him. That's love!

When God is teaching u how to luv there are no "BUTS." Clear your mind and heart of any hurt or harm people have caused you. It not only relinquishes the power of the enemy within them toward u, but offers peace to ur inner man. It perpetuates a love beyond humanity that infiltrates the mind, thus negatively, of those who do not understand. Then the judging begins.

Now love today is just a conditional word. If your needs are not met to your expectations, love is lost. That is of the world. How then can you expect to ever experience the true love of Christ if this is your way of loving.

You proclaim the name of Jesus yet walk past his true love to satisfy your own beliefs. Why?To appease the eyes and ears of the world. To prevent being viewed as being dumb or stupid. Another example of love is Gomer and Hosea. Gomer could have had Hosea killed running after her, yet with the same love God had for israel [us], he pursued her with an unbiased love.

Some of you say; "am I expected to live in an abusive relationship?" No. But don't yield your heart to hatred. Pray for them. Are u expected to break bread with them? Yes. At the discretion and guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Because of this, we question the love of God today.  With all the hatred, senseless crimes and such on earth, it appears he is allowing it. But haven't you heard that God is not on our watch [timing]? Have you heard that he gives us time to change so we all can make it to heaven? Would you rather he kill those who we consider evil or do it his way? If he does it our way, then we all will be dead! Imagine this; IF God played a video of our life to us, what would we see? We would be at awe of the wrong we have done because we forget about what we do to others or against them.

Please remember; God said there is no sin greater than the other; all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Therefore, thank God for giving everyone this time to repent and turn from their wicked ways before he destroys this ugly world. His desire is that we all make it to heaven. So, LOVE LIKE GOD AND HIS SON JESUS, THAT YOU MIGHT BE SAVED. DON'T JUDGE UNRIGHTEOUSLY.

The Unstable Man

I see him as a man with a dark past as others that have a desire to move out of it but have struggles with moving.

He heard of a man name Jesus and his Father, God. He realized that he could be highly protected and respected as he become a servant.

He put on the armor of God. He filled himself with the word of God. He was excited. He fasted and he prayed. He searched for more but in his mind was a battle that caused him to walk in the wrong direction.

His armor was weakened by the enemy who showed him how to use it for his good. Before he knew it, he was operating outside of the ways of God but believed he was doing the right thing. It felt right. It sounded right. It looked right.

He laughed he smiled he taunted and he provoked and he subtly caused war. Just when he realized he was making a big mistake the members of his body entered into warfare. Threw him further off balance. He attempted to try to stand up, but his strength was not enough.

Without the full power of God, he was unable to put the other foot in alignment with the other in God. Therefore, all kinds of worldly works of the flesh were unleashed out of the depths of his soul.

Scared of being exposed, he found a way to scream out for help. But the help was not for his victim but for himself. He could not afford to look bad and lose all that he had fought to keep for himself. He acted out the part of Christianity as best he could. Who would dare fight against that?

Away they took the real victim. Away to be broken down. Away to be stripped and beat for the sake of truth. Away to be tried by the fire. Held captive to destroy any hope for freedom, while its prey was freed to continue in darkness.

He fixed himself to look like the light to prevent darkness from being exposed as well as to keep from bringing harm to himself. He must have thought, maybe next time I can do right by God. I pray my victim is ok so long as they stay away, except what happened and keep the secret of my dark places.

Though he is an unstable man, God can and will stabilize whom he will in his own timing. He is no respect of person.

JAMES 1:8 kjv

HAPPINESS

We all want happiness, however we equate happiness with what we can get; mostly tangible things. Unfortunately, I have observed many who had nust about every thing and was still depressed. Now, I have come to understand that:

Happiness is serving others and watching them rise above their challenges. In the process you are growing and rising above your challenges.

Happiness is giving when there is a need in every way you are capable of giving; whether it is giving of yourself or monetary.

Happiness is knowing that you have loved despite what was dished out to you negatively and it didn't change you negatively.

Happiness is striving even though its a struggle to getting where you want to be.

Happiness is standing when the storms are raging about you and you did not fall.

But, the greatest HAPPINESS is being loved by a God who has sent his son to die in your place so you can live.

Being HAPPY is a choice. When you feel yourself slumping "LOOK UP!" God is waiting for you to run into his arms to comfort you. To build u up. To protect you. To hide u from your enemies. To instill his knowledge, understanding, and wisdom so deep inside of you, that you will begin to look, talk, and walk like him. Yaaaaasss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  BE HAPPY!

PUT ON THE WHOLE ARMOR OF GOD

So, God has a way with speaking to you through you! The armor of God is deeper than we think.

He said:  The armor of God is to protect us from ourselves and others.

Well God said if we PUT ON HELMET OF SALVATION, then our minds will not be prone to think of natural ways to intimidate others or be intimidated by others. It will convict both them and us. Yes! We or They will become even angrier because what is desired to do will not prosper. Why? Because we have put on the mind of Christ.

If we put on the BREAST PLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, our heart will be guarded from the offences of others as well as the evil and desperate wickedness that will flow from us. We will then know how to love our enemies, which is either ourselves and/or others, despite the offence.

If we GIRD UP OUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, then we will be protected from the negative emotions that sit so deep within. Which are designed to make us react out of the will of God. His word will sit in the seat of our emotions (soul) and the fruit of your lips will combat all evil.

If our FEET ARE SHOD WITH PREPARATION (put on the shoes of peace), then we will be protected from moving in directions of evil and/or we will be able to walk through the valley of shadow of death and feel or fear no evil. Also, our hearts and mind will be at peace.

If we HOLD UP THE SHIELD OF FAITH, then God will protect us from the negative words that are spoken to us and by us. Giving hope that even when we are unaware of the evil devices within or that will be coming from elsewhere, that it will bounce off.

No longer will we have to deal with the surprise attacks from ourselves or others if we learn to comprehend the depth of the word of God and apply it appropriately. Reading the word isn't enough, we must study, meditate, and pray.

I LOVE U! NOW PUT THAT ARMOR ON!

DARK LOVE: Not the kind of love to embrace!

Dark love is nothing to play with. It is a love that is considered pretentious and sets out to get what it wants. It is a love that destroys self-confidence, integrity, morals, Godly faith & trust. It tears down your optimistic foundation and builds a pessimistic one. It is so dark that it will make you believe that you are a bad person. That you are the one who brings strife and misery to yourself. Below are a few examples of what it sounds like. You can almost feel the destruction happening inside, breaking every fragment of your bones and every ligament being distorted.

Dark love, on the other hand, appears to be true love and it forces you to believe its characteristics. It feels better than any love you have ever experienced when you have not experienced God's love. Oftentimes, if you have experienced God's love, it blemishes his love for dark love. It seduces you in every area of your wants and needs as if it is what you have been missing all of your life. It makes you feel sexy, desirable, unimaginably strong, untouchable, proud, and the likes. Eventually, you find yourself manipulating, speaking words of death into others who try to speak against your joy. It brings false freedom that will cause you to fight without a real cause. (James 4:1-6)

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why do you seem so distant? Baby, I got a lot I'm dealing with. I have to make sure everything is taken care of and I need you to stop whining about having my attention.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why do you always express your points of my wrong toward you, but never listen to yours toward me? Baby, you are too emotional and it is not always true what you think of me. Your emotions are what causes your wrong toward me. I just want you to learn to relax. Just do that for me and we will be alright.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why do you keep secrets from me? Baby, what secrets have I kept from you? Name one and tell me when that happened. Well, when I began to tell you, I am cut off and an argument comes out of it. Therefore, I would rather not answer.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why don't you show me any affection? Baby, I need to forgive you for cursing me out and calling me out of my name three months ago. How can I give affection to someone who speaks to me that way? But, you provoked it. I have kept every pain inside because you won't hear me out and when you do, there is justification for the wrong and it gets twisted back to me to feel bad.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why did you grab me and push me down and expect forgiveness when you don't forgive me? Baby, you do what you want. I don't force you to do anything you don't want to do. When was the last time I put my hands on you? Stop tripping! You not even hurt.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why would you want to take advantage of me? Baby, I just want you to see that I love you. Let me actually do something wrong. Follow my lead and agree with what I do and if I am wrong you can hold it against me. Throw it in my face! But I am not like that. I don't find any pleasure in doing that. Just do it for me. I'm telling you to do it.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why does it appear that you are against me? Baby, I am not sure why you feel that way. We don't have sex much because I don't feel connected to you. Why should I treat you like a flower when you don't act like a flower? I believe you cheated on me because you left and said nothing to me about your whereabouts for 72 hours. You are selfish and can't see past your own needs. My boiler went out and it was cold in the house and you did nothing. You accuse me often for cheating on you and have no proof. I am not against you, I just have a hard time forgiving you. God is working on me, I just need you to be patient. Everything will be alright.

If you are experiencing anything like what is above, then reconsider staying there. Your life is not worth being ruined for any reason. Do not second guess yourselves. If you are constantly being provoked to anger, loneliness, distress, discomfort, a lack of trust, fear, etc. It is time to change your atmosphere and the person you are choosing to spend your time or life with.

God has shown us what true love looks like, sound like, and feel like; even what it tastes like (our tongues roll love off of it as God plants it in our bellies). 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 are the prerequisites of true love. God showed us his love through his son Jesus Christ. The book of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John give specific details of each apostle experience with Jesus and his love. It also expresses his love toward the entire world and his death and resurrection for our sins.  He truly exemplifies true love....A love that turns on the light inside of you!

I Walked into Hell! Part 3

I began to see the flames from hell by February burning up a portion of the house. My prayers and praise quenched the fire of hell but the heat did not subside. The fire of my worship began to over power that of Satan's and my husband recanted against the biblical adventures for our marriage. The drinking escalated and the blatant disrespect was intentional.

I played along with his game but was protected through prayers and was praying against the demon controlling him. I loved my husband! I didn't want to see him overtaken. It was time out for running and becoming angry and bitter at him. There was a soul at stake and if I could do anything, it would be fight in prayer for it to be won by God.

I didn't realize that he had been using God to get me under his plan to demoralize me. So, my prayers for him only turned up the heat of his disdain toward me. I could see the uncomfortableness in his everyday stance because he was unable to get a rise out of me.

He pondered day after day with what he could do to get rid of me. The plan had to cause me to be in the wrong to justify his actions. I understood the fight was one bigger than I could handle alone so I immersed myself in God's humility. I continued to fight for my marriage. I pointed in the face of the enemy, declared and decreed that he will not kill my marriage; he needed me. We needed each other.

Valentines day God allowed me to hear the truth of what I was dealing with, through a testimony my husband told to me while in church waiting for visitors to come in and pray. How he responded to what was said from a woman he cared about was how he responded to me when he cared about me. He took her to be sarcastic and forthright. He was disheartened that she challenged him. It angered him to the point he wanted to say bad things to her.

God gave me the words to assist him with understanding her innocence and his emotional responses. He fought against it but I remained calm. He was all over the place in his argument. I let him have it but he knew he was not right. Out of the blue, he began attacking me after asking him if I could ride with him to the woman's house who lived in New York.

I kept my composure. I showed just a little emotion in my face before walking away and diving into prayer. While in prayer, I felt the presence of the enemy who was waiting to attack me. But God, in his protection, rerouted me back to where my husband was, after ending my prayer.

He had packed up and was ready to leave the church by the time I made it to him. At the end of the evening he attacked me verbally again hoping I would spaz out. I sat on his lap and affirmed him with affection until he abruptly told me to get off of him. I got in the bed and immediately went to sleep. Woke up in the middle of the night to him in the chair drunk sleep. I took a picture of him because the smirk on his face was malicious, I couldn't pass that up.

My birthday! February 15th to be exact. I was left at home because I didn't want to open the church with him. I wanted to pamper myself and feel worthy. Unfortunately, the mice in the walls and the mice crawling on the floor of our bedroom glued me to the bed. I didn't want to stay there so I got up, quickly got dressed and met my husband at the church two hours later by bus.

I immediately went into the basement of the church and confronted the devil who tried to unclothe me and have his way with me. I rebuked him and told him he will not take my marriage. Well, I guess God said it was time to leave my marriage because when I finished praying, my husband wasted no time with his attack.

He questioned whether or not I would allow him to take advantage of me. I declined calmly and respectfully. With a straight face I gave my reasonings. His eyebrows raised as he did not expect that answer or behavior. He had to shoot from the hip now and antagonize me. He told me my advice to his family repulse him and I should never do it again. I was instructed to inform his family to direct their questions and concerns to him.

I agreed and we went on with our day as if we were a happy couple. At the median of the evening, I was relaxed from drinking Moscato while he dranked vodka. We watched an old classic movie that he kept pausing to try and frustrate me with his questions. It didn't work and he got anxious. He wanted to feel comfortable with the decision he made to spend a week in New York with is younger children's mother. I provided it to him by letting him know to do what makes him happy as I could not stop him.

Not liking that answer he resumed the movie. His phone rang, he put it on speaker so I could hear the disrespect. She addresses him as baby and he tells her to make sure she got her boyfriend in control so they will encounter no issues while he's their. Me, hurting already, showed no emotions still, but asked him why would she say that and if he really was going to stay. He responded sarcastically and boldly, and then left the room.

Hell had truly taken over the house, but God kept me calm and humble. Instead of praying, I got up and dranked the last bit of his vodka which was always mixed with the usual; orange juice or lemonade. Sometimes he'd add a energy drink but nothing more. Unfortunately something more had to be in that drink as it darkened my vision and immediately caused me to stagger and feel sick.

Although I'm not much of a drinker, when I did drink occasionally with him or family it was never to the point of getting drunk and staggering. Fear took over me. My husband followed me to the bathroom as I thought I would hurl. It felt like he was comforting me as I laid my head in his chest. Before I knew it, I was back in the room hurling in a plastic bag. Then I was totally naked under a robe. What was happening to me. I was not in control of myself. The devil in my husband was finally taking advantage of me. I went to the bed to get into it and lie down, but for the life of me, I dont know why I was throwing my pillows and blanket at him. Before I knew it, I was in an attack. My husband was bear hugging me. Unable to move, I laid at his mercy in his arms. He yelled and spit in my face that he was calling the police on me. I felt his hand go between my legs before I passed out and remembered thinking he was going to body slam me as he said he would have done in the first marriage if he knew I wouldn't call my family.

I woke up unable to breathe. Trying to get his attention, he put more pressure on me and said shut the "f" up. Everything was still dark. I lifted my hand and it seemed as if it went directly into his mouth. He bit my fingers, spread them apart as if he was going to break them and pulled my wedding ring off. I screamed from the pain, but not loud enough, as I couldn't breath. He added more pressure to my neck and again told me to shut the "f" up.  He began screaming hysterically for his daughter to call 911 as if he was in distress. I heard him call 4 times before I passed out again. As I slowly came too again, everything was still dark, but I could hear the police radios and my husband declaring his self defence.

I was taken to the hospital where I had no idea why until I heard the cops proclaim to the doctors I couldnt walk. I don't remember much as I kept going in and out. By the time we left the hospital I was completely coherent. I was escorted on crutches and with a temporary cast to jail, where they left me until I saw a judge who slapped me with a Domestic Violence Misdemeanor and a no contact order. He had taken my good name and marred it. He beat me and he acted as the victim. He won his way of taking advantage of me without my consent. The Devil had claimed his victory for now. But I serve a God that will avenge my enemies.

At least I was free from the house of hell, able to start my life over and continue serving God. I lost my husband, but won my life back. MY FREEDOM! Now to heal!

I Walked into Hell! Part 2

He encouraged the cigarettes and joining him in drinking almost nightly for a month. He was wicked and I saw it in his eyes. His body language shifted and his conversation changed. I was uncomfortable and even more emotional. Again, something wasn't right. What was he doing now? I eventually stopped as God met me in the garage puffing 1 of my last 7 cigarettes. He expressed his disapproval of me allowing the cigarettes to take his place. Feeling bad, I dumped the rest of the pack in the garbage.

I told him of the conversation between God and I. He didnt seem surprised, but he had nothing to say, which made things a bit awkward. I noticed that from the time of the evil outburst six months prior that things changed drastically and they never went back to the way they were before I moved there. The evil one forced a war in his members to fight against the God I serve with God's scriptures. I prepared myself as I heard it burst from his mouth. I studied and I engaged everytime only to be attacked as if I were wrong. He wanted me to feel bad about how I spoke the word to him. I refused, but let him know it wasn't about being right. It was by faith that every word spoken was direct from the knowledge of God.

That challenge ceased, so he found another way to break me. I threatened to leave him because I felt like a lonely roommate. He threatened if I leave, he would divorce me. I told him how selfish that was and he later agreed but refused to let me go. Not willing to let the devil win, I remained; praying and petitioning God to keep me silent about what I knew and to work with him. I got better at handling him. When the arguments rose up, I'd counteract it with prayer. The disrespect became insurmountable. It was evident that he no longer cared.

Finally, the secret I kept was told to him, except the fact that he defiled our bed before I moved in with him. He exclaimed it wasn't my business that he had a relationship, which was leading to marriage, with a woman who we ended our relationship about in the first marriage. I left him and went out of town for a few days. Frustrated that he didn't see the point of my argument.

I returned from my trip and immediately he accused me of cheating on him because I waited until the evening of the second day to inform him of my whereabouts. Feeling attacked I told him he should have felt that way; given the fact he made me feel that way with his disrespectful phone conversations and actions with other women. That only gave him more ammunition against me.

The heat was so hot it was almost unbareable; but I fought through it. He began asking if he could take advantage of me because that would be the only way he'd stay in the marriage. Curious, I asked what did that mean? He said to allow him to have his way and be wrong before I address anything. That is, if he allowed me. Knowing I was no longer able to leave because I was unemployed, I complied. He told me the car he gave me was no longer mine. The ring I bought for myself had to be replaced with the old ring that he had for someone else, but I wore it in the first marriage. I had to stay bald until he said I could grow my hair back. With that agreement he was content but it upset my insides.

I realized I made a deal with the devil so I consulted God and asked him to teach me agape love and humility. I knew how vicious my husband was and did not trust him. So, I needed to stay under the covering of God for protection. I was on my best behavior. I accepted that he was not interested in loving me or repairing our marriage. He wanted complete control, as without it, he was made vulnerable and he was not having that.

We went to a one day marriage counseling session in January, which favored him as I helped him look like the victim. He left happy and I left empty and miserable. I still loved him and hoped he would be shown his errors by God. He refused to accept what God was showing him because he didn't know I knew his secret of being with a woman while married to me.

I Walked into Hell Part 1

I was confident. I knew God had my back. I fought with truth denying him every step of the way. Something just wasn't right. But he didn't stop! He kept coming and each time he deposited something inside me that drawed me closer to him. Still unsure, I thought I proclaimed my final "no."

Two weeks went by and then the phone calls started up again. My heart was saying yes and my mind agreed. I fell so hard that within two months I married him. He was not the same person I knew previously. He was more kind; more selfless; willing to hear me, walking with God, and apologetic.

Three months later, I left my home and walked through the doors of hell. The bed was defiled and unknowingly I slept in it. My heart was being plotted against, but I was so in love I didn't feel it. My ears could only hear the words from his mouth proclaiming Jesus name and often his actions backed it up.

Two months later the heat began to rise. I didnt understand clear enough to run. I consulted with God who made sure I remained calm. When I asked questions, he answered, which opened the door for the truth of what I walked into. It started to become clear.

Three months later the heat rose again. My ears burned with the noise of anothers voice, spilling information that confirmed my intuitions. In the latter part of that month, the devil rose up inside of me and spoke the most evilest things to him. He went at it with me for a while. Lightening bolts sparking from both while the devil was cackling. He calmed himself first and I continued my rage. I never revealed to him the true nature of my rage. There were some things he added on top of that; disrespectful decisions and conversations in which I was addressing instead.

Three months later while the heat never subsided, but got hotter in the atmosphere, I decided to fix me. All that he showed me and all that I had known, I could have easily expressed it and walked out. But no, I decided to fight the evil one head on to take back what he was stealing from me before my eyes.

Whenever he manipulated arguments I would try to respond emotionally and when he did not let me or he counteracted my argument with his own reasonings, I'd walk away to go pray. Angry, instead of praying the stress away, I wined to God but still turned to cigarettes for calming. I considered defeat over victory first handedly. A big mistake.