DARK LOVE: Not the kind of love to embrace!

Dark love is nothing to play with. It is a love that is considered pretentious and sets out to get what it wants. It is a love that destroys self-confidence, integrity, morals, Godly faith & trust. It tears down your optimistic foundation and builds a pessimistic one. It is so dark that it will make you believe that you are a bad person. That you are the one who brings strife and misery to yourself. Below are a few examples of what it sounds like. You can almost feel the destruction happening inside, breaking every fragment of your bones and every ligament being distorted.

Dark love, on the other hand, appears to be true love and it forces you to believe its characteristics. It feels better than any love you have ever experienced when you have not experienced God's love. Oftentimes, if you have experienced God's love, it blemishes his love for dark love. It seduces you in every area of your wants and needs as if it is what you have been missing all of your life. It makes you feel sexy, desirable, unimaginably strong, untouchable, proud, and the likes. Eventually, you find yourself manipulating, speaking words of death into others who try to speak against your joy. It brings false freedom that will cause you to fight without a real cause. (James 4:1-6)

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why do you seem so distant? Baby, I got a lot I'm dealing with. I have to make sure everything is taken care of and I need you to stop whining about having my attention.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why do you always express your points of my wrong toward you, but never listen to yours toward me? Baby, you are too emotional and it is not always true what you think of me. Your emotions are what causes your wrong toward me. I just want you to learn to relax. Just do that for me and we will be alright.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why do you keep secrets from me? Baby, what secrets have I kept from you? Name one and tell me when that happened. Well, when I began to tell you, I am cut off and an argument comes out of it. Therefore, I would rather not answer.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why don't you show me any affection? Baby, I need to forgive you for cursing me out and calling me out of my name three months ago. How can I give affection to someone who speaks to me that way? But, you provoked it. I have kept every pain inside because you won't hear me out and when you do, there is justification for the wrong and it gets twisted back to me to feel bad.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why did you grab me and push me down and expect forgiveness when you don't forgive me? Baby, you do what you want. I don't force you to do anything you don't want to do. When was the last time I put my hands on you? Stop tripping! You not even hurt.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why would you want to take advantage of me? Baby, I just want you to see that I love you. Let me actually do something wrong. Follow my lead and agree with what I do and if I am wrong you can hold it against me. Throw it in my face! But I am not like that. I don't find any pleasure in doing that. Just do it for me. I'm telling you to do it.

Do you love me? Sure I do! Then why does it appear that you are against me? Baby, I am not sure why you feel that way. We don't have sex much because I don't feel connected to you. Why should I treat you like a flower when you don't act like a flower? I believe you cheated on me because you left and said nothing to me about your whereabouts for 72 hours. You are selfish and can't see past your own needs. My boiler went out and it was cold in the house and you did nothing. You accuse me often for cheating on you and have no proof. I am not against you, I just have a hard time forgiving you. God is working on me, I just need you to be patient. Everything will be alright.

If you are experiencing anything like what is above, then reconsider staying there. Your life is not worth being ruined for any reason. Do not second guess yourselves. If you are constantly being provoked to anger, loneliness, distress, discomfort, a lack of trust, fear, etc. It is time to change your atmosphere and the person you are choosing to spend your time or life with.

God has shown us what true love looks like, sound like, and feel like; even what it tastes like (our tongues roll love off of it as God plants it in our bellies). 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 are the prerequisites of true love. God showed us his love through his son Jesus Christ. The book of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John give specific details of each apostle experience with Jesus and his love. It also expresses his love toward the entire world and his death and resurrection for our sins.  He truly exemplifies true love....A love that turns on the light inside of you!

I Walked into Hell! Part 3

I began to see the flames from hell by February burning up a portion of the house. My prayers and praise quenched the fire of hell but the heat did not subside. The fire of my worship began to over power that of Satan's and my husband recanted against the biblical adventures for our marriage. The drinking escalated and the blatant disrespect was intentional.

I played along with his game but was protected through prayers and was praying against the demon controlling him. I loved my husband! I didn't want to see him overtaken. It was time out for running and becoming angry and bitter at him. There was a soul at stake and if I could do anything, it would be fight in prayer for it to be won by God.

I didn't realize that he had been using God to get me under his plan to demoralize me. So, my prayers for him only turned up the heat of his disdain toward me. I could see the uncomfortableness in his everyday stance because he was unable to get a rise out of me.

He pondered day after day with what he could do to get rid of me. The plan had to cause me to be in the wrong to justify his actions. I understood the fight was one bigger than I could handle alone so I immersed myself in God's humility. I continued to fight for my marriage. I pointed in the face of the enemy, declared and decreed that he will not kill my marriage; he needed me. We needed each other.

Valentines day God allowed me to hear the truth of what I was dealing with, through a testimony my husband told to me while in church waiting for visitors to come in and pray. How he responded to what was said from a woman he cared about was how he responded to me when he cared about me. He took her to be sarcastic and forthright. He was disheartened that she challenged him. It angered him to the point he wanted to say bad things to her.

God gave me the words to assist him with understanding her innocence and his emotional responses. He fought against it but I remained calm. He was all over the place in his argument. I let him have it but he knew he was not right. Out of the blue, he began attacking me after asking him if I could ride with him to the woman's house who lived in New York.

I kept my composure. I showed just a little emotion in my face before walking away and diving into prayer. While in prayer, I felt the presence of the enemy who was waiting to attack me. But God, in his protection, rerouted me back to where my husband was, after ending my prayer.

He had packed up and was ready to leave the church by the time I made it to him. At the end of the evening he attacked me verbally again hoping I would spaz out. I sat on his lap and affirmed him with affection until he abruptly told me to get off of him. I got in the bed and immediately went to sleep. Woke up in the middle of the night to him in the chair drunk sleep. I took a picture of him because the smirk on his face was malicious, I couldn't pass that up.

My birthday! February 15th to be exact. I was left at home because I didn't want to open the church with him. I wanted to pamper myself and feel worthy. Unfortunately, the mice in the walls and the mice crawling on the floor of our bedroom glued me to the bed. I didn't want to stay there so I got up, quickly got dressed and met my husband at the church two hours later by bus.

I immediately went into the basement of the church and confronted the devil who tried to unclothe me and have his way with me. I rebuked him and told him he will not take my marriage. Well, I guess God said it was time to leave my marriage because when I finished praying, my husband wasted no time with his attack.

He questioned whether or not I would allow him to take advantage of me. I declined calmly and respectfully. With a straight face I gave my reasonings. His eyebrows raised as he did not expect that answer or behavior. He had to shoot from the hip now and antagonize me. He told me my advice to his family repulse him and I should never do it again. I was instructed to inform his family to direct their questions and concerns to him.

I agreed and we went on with our day as if we were a happy couple. At the median of the evening, I was relaxed from drinking Moscato while he dranked vodka. We watched an old classic movie that he kept pausing to try and frustrate me with his questions. It didn't work and he got anxious. He wanted to feel comfortable with the decision he made to spend a week in New York with is younger children's mother. I provided it to him by letting him know to do what makes him happy as I could not stop him.

Not liking that answer he resumed the movie. His phone rang, he put it on speaker so I could hear the disrespect. She addresses him as baby and he tells her to make sure she got her boyfriend in control so they will encounter no issues while he's their. Me, hurting already, showed no emotions still, but asked him why would she say that and if he really was going to stay. He responded sarcastically and boldly, and then left the room.

Hell had truly taken over the house, but God kept me calm and humble. Instead of praying, I got up and dranked the last bit of his vodka which was always mixed with the usual; orange juice or lemonade. Sometimes he'd add a energy drink but nothing more. Unfortunately something more had to be in that drink as it darkened my vision and immediately caused me to stagger and feel sick.

Although I'm not much of a drinker, when I did drink occasionally with him or family it was never to the point of getting drunk and staggering. Fear took over me. My husband followed me to the bathroom as I thought I would hurl. It felt like he was comforting me as I laid my head in his chest. Before I knew it, I was back in the room hurling in a plastic bag. Then I was totally naked under a robe. What was happening to me. I was not in control of myself. The devil in my husband was finally taking advantage of me. I went to the bed to get into it and lie down, but for the life of me, I dont know why I was throwing my pillows and blanket at him. Before I knew it, I was in an attack. My husband was bear hugging me. Unable to move, I laid at his mercy in his arms. He yelled and spit in my face that he was calling the police on me. I felt his hand go between my legs before I passed out and remembered thinking he was going to body slam me as he said he would have done in the first marriage if he knew I wouldn't call my family.

I woke up unable to breathe. Trying to get his attention, he put more pressure on me and said shut the "f" up. Everything was still dark. I lifted my hand and it seemed as if it went directly into his mouth. He bit my fingers, spread them apart as if he was going to break them and pulled my wedding ring off. I screamed from the pain, but not loud enough, as I couldn't breath. He added more pressure to my neck and again told me to shut the "f" up.  He began screaming hysterically for his daughter to call 911 as if he was in distress. I heard him call 4 times before I passed out again. As I slowly came too again, everything was still dark, but I could hear the police radios and my husband declaring his self defence.

I was taken to the hospital where I had no idea why until I heard the cops proclaim to the doctors I couldnt walk. I don't remember much as I kept going in and out. By the time we left the hospital I was completely coherent. I was escorted on crutches and with a temporary cast to jail, where they left me until I saw a judge who slapped me with a Domestic Violence Misdemeanor and a no contact order. He had taken my good name and marred it. He beat me and he acted as the victim. He won his way of taking advantage of me without my consent. The Devil had claimed his victory for now. But I serve a God that will avenge my enemies.

At least I was free from the house of hell, able to start my life over and continue serving God. I lost my husband, but won my life back. MY FREEDOM! Now to heal!

I Walked into Hell! Part 2

He encouraged the cigarettes and joining him in drinking almost nightly for a month. He was wicked and I saw it in his eyes. His body language shifted and his conversation changed. I was uncomfortable and even more emotional. Again, something wasn't right. What was he doing now? I eventually stopped as God met me in the garage puffing 1 of my last 7 cigarettes. He expressed his disapproval of me allowing the cigarettes to take his place. Feeling bad, I dumped the rest of the pack in the garbage.

I told him of the conversation between God and I. He didnt seem surprised, but he had nothing to say, which made things a bit awkward. I noticed that from the time of the evil outburst six months prior that things changed drastically and they never went back to the way they were before I moved there. The evil one forced a war in his members to fight against the God I serve with God's scriptures. I prepared myself as I heard it burst from his mouth. I studied and I engaged everytime only to be attacked as if I were wrong. He wanted me to feel bad about how I spoke the word to him. I refused, but let him know it wasn't about being right. It was by faith that every word spoken was direct from the knowledge of God.

That challenge ceased, so he found another way to break me. I threatened to leave him because I felt like a lonely roommate. He threatened if I leave, he would divorce me. I told him how selfish that was and he later agreed but refused to let me go. Not willing to let the devil win, I remained; praying and petitioning God to keep me silent about what I knew and to work with him. I got better at handling him. When the arguments rose up, I'd counteract it with prayer. The disrespect became insurmountable. It was evident that he no longer cared.

Finally, the secret I kept was told to him, except the fact that he defiled our bed before I moved in with him. He exclaimed it wasn't my business that he had a relationship, which was leading to marriage, with a woman who we ended our relationship about in the first marriage. I left him and went out of town for a few days. Frustrated that he didn't see the point of my argument.

I returned from my trip and immediately he accused me of cheating on him because I waited until the evening of the second day to inform him of my whereabouts. Feeling attacked I told him he should have felt that way; given the fact he made me feel that way with his disrespectful phone conversations and actions with other women. That only gave him more ammunition against me.

The heat was so hot it was almost unbareable; but I fought through it. He began asking if he could take advantage of me because that would be the only way he'd stay in the marriage. Curious, I asked what did that mean? He said to allow him to have his way and be wrong before I address anything. That is, if he allowed me. Knowing I was no longer able to leave because I was unemployed, I complied. He told me the car he gave me was no longer mine. The ring I bought for myself had to be replaced with the old ring that he had for someone else, but I wore it in the first marriage. I had to stay bald until he said I could grow my hair back. With that agreement he was content but it upset my insides.

I realized I made a deal with the devil so I consulted God and asked him to teach me agape love and humility. I knew how vicious my husband was and did not trust him. So, I needed to stay under the covering of God for protection. I was on my best behavior. I accepted that he was not interested in loving me or repairing our marriage. He wanted complete control, as without it, he was made vulnerable and he was not having that.

We went to a one day marriage counseling session in January, which favored him as I helped him look like the victim. He left happy and I left empty and miserable. I still loved him and hoped he would be shown his errors by God. He refused to accept what God was showing him because he didn't know I knew his secret of being with a woman while married to me.

I Walked into Hell Part 1

I was confident. I knew God had my back. I fought with truth denying him every step of the way. Something just wasn't right. But he didn't stop! He kept coming and each time he deposited something inside me that drawed me closer to him. Still unsure, I thought I proclaimed my final "no."

Two weeks went by and then the phone calls started up again. My heart was saying yes and my mind agreed. I fell so hard that within two months I married him. He was not the same person I knew previously. He was more kind; more selfless; willing to hear me, walking with God, and apologetic.

Three months later, I left my home and walked through the doors of hell. The bed was defiled and unknowingly I slept in it. My heart was being plotted against, but I was so in love I didn't feel it. My ears could only hear the words from his mouth proclaiming Jesus name and often his actions backed it up.

Two months later the heat began to rise. I didnt understand clear enough to run. I consulted with God who made sure I remained calm. When I asked questions, he answered, which opened the door for the truth of what I walked into. It started to become clear.

Three months later the heat rose again. My ears burned with the noise of anothers voice, spilling information that confirmed my intuitions. In the latter part of that month, the devil rose up inside of me and spoke the most evilest things to him. He went at it with me for a while. Lightening bolts sparking from both while the devil was cackling. He calmed himself first and I continued my rage. I never revealed to him the true nature of my rage. There were some things he added on top of that; disrespectful decisions and conversations in which I was addressing instead.

Three months later while the heat never subsided, but got hotter in the atmosphere, I decided to fix me. All that he showed me and all that I had known, I could have easily expressed it and walked out. But no, I decided to fight the evil one head on to take back what he was stealing from me before my eyes.

Whenever he manipulated arguments I would try to respond emotionally and when he did not let me or he counteracted my argument with his own reasonings, I'd walk away to go pray. Angry, instead of praying the stress away, I wined to God but still turned to cigarettes for calming. I considered defeat over victory first handedly. A big mistake.